


How to Break Tamara's Spell aka Operation SwanFire

by lita



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Friendship/Love, Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-24
Updated: 2013-07-21
Packaged: 2017-12-09 08:27:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/772138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lita/pseuds/lita
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emma was determined to break whatever Tamara's spell on Neal, even if that involved cuffing him unwillingly to a chair, let's be it. After all, she needed to get her fun and revenge as well. Neal certainly didn't make it easy. SwanFire crack with some bantering and angst. The latest chapter in which the spell was broken but not before some dramas, twists and turns.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Under a Spell

**Author's Note:**

> Crack and characters, especially Emma, behaving OOC. I've warned you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is beta-ed by N.a.brun from fanfiction.net.

Neal walked toward the pier to clear his mind. He wanted to spend more time with Tamara, but she had said she was busy. It was a bit strange as there were not many activities in Storybrooke and she didn't know anybody besides him and Emma. Lost in thought, he was surprised to see a familiar yellow bug parked next the pier.  
  
He thought, "What's she doing here?"  
  
He didn't see anyone inside the car, When he walked toward it he saw Henry's book lay opened in between the driver and the front passenger seat.  
 _How did it get there?_ He was sure it was with him this morning. Mulling at this thought, he didn't realize there was blue smoke coming toward him over the car, until it was too late, the smoke engulfed him. His last conscious thought was, "I know this spell, it's a sleeping spell." Then everything went dark.  
  


* * *

 

"Papa, you coward, don't let go!" he screamed before he woke up with a start. He hadn't had this dream for a while. He realized he was sitting down and when he tried to rub his eyes he realized both his hands were cuffed separately to the arms of a chair.  
  
"What the hell?" He raised his head and see a blonde sitting across him reading the very book he saw in the car. He asked, "Emma? What happened? Are you hurt?"  
  
Emma was surprised with his concern. She put the book down and replied slowly, "I'm OK, thanks for asking."  
  
"In that case, may I ask why I'm here cuffed to a chair? You know I'm not Hook so I'm not into kinky handcuffs." Emma scoffed at his statement.  
  
Looking around the room, he realized he was inside one of his father's guest bedrooms. He panicked. "Emma, why am I at my father's house? You've got to let me go!"  
  
"Calm down, Neal. I just want to talk to you about some _important_ stuff without any prying ears."  
  
"Is your cell phone not working? What happened to the good courtesy of calling someone to meet up at Granny's instead of kidnapping them? Did my father put you up to this? Emma, you don't owe him anything."  
  
Emma was suitably embarrassed with his last statement. She said, "I actually kind of do. I made a deal with him."  
  
"What? Are you insane?" he yelled. It didn't matter if his father heard, he was sure his father was behind this.  
  
"Please calm down, Neal!"  
  
"I'll calm down if you un-cuff me."  
  
"Then what, you'll run at the first opportunity back to Tamara."  
  
Neal couldn't help smirking. "Oh, I see what this is all about."  
  
Emma was annoyed at his implication. She said, "Actually, no you don't. Tamara had bewitched you. Even your father could detect it."  
  
"Emma, Tamara is not from the Enchanted Forest. She didn't know any magic. Could you please stop talking nonsense and free me? I promise I won't run."  
  
"No, Neal, the enchantment is too strong so you've got to be tied. I don't know what you're going to do if you're free as you aren't entirely yourself."  
  
"Emma, I think being in Storybrooke and around Regina and my father too long has made you paranoid. What do you mean I'm not myself?"  
  
"I swear to you Neal, if you keep interrupting me, I'll gag you. I'm sure breaking the spell works equally well even if you're gagged."  
  
Neal then realized there were more than twenty bottles of liquid of different colors on the table. There was even a dreamcatcher which looked really familiar. “Well, of course,” he thought, “It was his own dream-catcher.” Were there his scarves at the corner of the bed? There was even a fairy's wand on the table. _Now_ , he was seriously creeped out. He hated magic. "Can I ask questions? I won't interrupt you this time."  
  
"Sure," she answered with a smile.  
  
"What made you think I was bewitched? What is your deal with my father?"  
  
"OK, I'll give you the brief version. You know, Granny and Ruby had wolf hearing. They heard more than once that Greg and Tamara knew each other quite well biblically."  
  
Neal paled, and coughed to hide his suprise. She patted his shoulder sympathetically. "I'm sorry to hear that but it's the truth." He nodded and mumbled thanks.  
  
"Well, my first instinct is to tell you directly. However, I got suspicious because of Greg's circumstance coming to Storybrooke. He's been traveling all over Storybrooke. Surely there's not that much to see here so why did he stay? That's when I decided to bug his room, their cars, and your room."  
  
Neal pinked and asked, "My room? How long have you been doing that? Don't you know about privacy?"  
  
"A week. Well, if you're not happy, you can always report this to the police. Oh wait! I'm the police," Emma replied triumphantly.  
  
"Besides, there was nothing I heard that I haven't heard eleven years ago." She replied tonelessly to him. Neal tries to sink deeper into his chair but his arms prevented him doing so. He knew karma would bite him in the ass but he didn't expect it to be in this form. At least it was only a bug, not a video. He didn't dare to ask if the bug was a video. Something was better left unknown.  
  
"Anyway, from the little information I gathered, as they didn't do much talking in Greg's room..."  
  
Neal winced. "Could you please go to the conspiracy part and skip the rest?"  
  
"For what I gathered is they wanted to steal magic from this place. I'm not sure how they're going to do that. Tamara also assured Greg that he didn't need to worry about you as she had you under control. At first, I thought she meant it metaphorically. But to be safe, I double checked with your dad. It seemed that she literally put you under a spell."  
  
Neal gasped. He shook his head and said, "OK, this conspiracy theory is getting ridiculous. Tamara is just a normal human being without magic. Tamara loves me and I trust her. She won't cheat on me," Neal noticed that Emma winced at his statements. He continued, "Of course my father would say anything to separate me from Tamara, somehow he thinks she isn't good enough for me. How could you trust him?"  
  
"I have the recording evidence if you want some proofs," she replied defiantly.  
  
"No, he must be making up the proofs as well. I know the Dark One will still try to ruin my life." He was surprised by his own outburst. _Where did that come from?_  
  
"Neal, listen to yourself. You don't listen to evidence and reason. You know that I'm the most skeptical person in the world regarding magic, just ask August or Jefferson, but I still trust the evidence that somehow she controls your mind. I don't know how, but your father detected the trace of magic."  
  
"How the hell did he trace that?"  
  
"From your scarves."  
  
He gulped. "Did you steal my scarves for evidence?"  
  
"Well, technically not me, but Henry," she answered timidly.  
  
"Why did you involve Henry in this? Didn't you say it could be dangerous?"  
  
"He knew I was suspicious of Tamara and wanted to help. He doesn't know the details of the operation. I think it's pretty safe because his job was just to retrieve all your scarves without you noticing as he comes to your place so often. Besides, he said he wanted to help with operation SwanFire."  
  
"Operation SwanFire?" asked Neal incredulously.  
  
"Of course, you don't know about Henry and his operations. He had been pestering me with Operation Cobra last year. Swan and Fire are our last names as he assumes Fire is your last name."  
  
"I guess it's more catchy than Swan-Cassidy, Nealemma, Emmaneal, Nemma, Emmael, or Baelemma." He replied and noticed that Emma made a show of taking a piece of cloth and mimed a gesture of gagging so he stopped. After a deep breath, he asked, "Back to the real question, why did you ask our kid to steal? I thought you were the strict parent while I was the fun one."  
  
"Hell, no. Why did I get to be the strict one? Besides, it's not stealing if the object is returned. Just think of it as your kid borrowing your scarves and your dreamcatcher. Don't forget who his parents and grandparents are --- Snow White the bandit and your father. He also has the knack of thievery; breaking into your apartment is proof enough. I'm just channeling his talent to a more appropriate use."

Neal was stunned. After a pause, he said, "I'm not sure what to think anymore. My ex-girlfriend and my father kidnapped me. My kid stole from me. You claimed my fiancée cheated on me. I'm glad Hook was not my stepfather because, given the trend, I'm sure he would find a way to screw me over as well. I'm not sure where Lacey stands in this. How about your parents?"  
  
"Surprisingly, my parents are innocent this time."  
  
Neal was glad of that. Somehow he thought Snow and Charming were much scarier than Emma. He could at least tease Emma. "Should you continue your story then?"  
  
"OK, we found traces of mind control spell in your scarves. Your father was worried. He proposed a deal. He said he would help me break the spell if I would get you to talk to him uninterrupted."  
  
"So you resorted to kidnapping!? You know that I still talk to my father."  
  
"Apparently only to exchange pleasantries and you usually bolt afterward."  
  
"Could you just set up a long appointment for us like what normal people do?"  
  
"Well, I sort of did that."  
  
"Without the handcuffs and the sleeping spell."  
  
"The handcuffs are for breaking the spell in case you react violently, not for meeting your father."  
  
Neal gave up arguing as he knew how stubborn Emma was. "OK, I guess we could get on with the so-called spell breaking. Why the sleeping spell?"  
  
"Would your rather have had chloroform or a hit in the head? Your father said that was the most humane way to get you to cooperate."  
  
"Don't you mean to knock me unconscious? I can't believe that my dad conspired with my lo...". He stopped himself before saying lover. _What's wrong with him?_ _He was engaged to Tamara_. He hoped Emma didn't catch that but it seemed she did as she gave a genuine smile.  
  
He corrected, "I can't believe you conspire with him. People would think you're his family rather than me. Why do you care if I'm under a spell anyway?" He added the last bit with his infamous smirk.  
  
Emma blushed but quickly recovered. "You're Henry's father. I don't want her, hey, don't look at me like that, it's true, to control you to harm Henry. That's all!"  
  
"Are you sure? Is that not for other purposes?" He raised one of his eyebrows.  
  
Emma was annoyed. _Did he learn that from Hook? OK, Emma, focus._ She replied, "Well, I also do it for your father, he's after all Henry's grandfather. That's all. Shall we get on with this?"  
  
"I guess so as there's no way of escaping, unless you have a paper clip."  
  
"No, no paper clip this time! OK, let's do business!"

  
  



	2. Cognitive Recalibration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So far, Emma's techniques include cognitive recalibration and some burning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've edited the previous chapter to make it consistent with this.
> 
> This chapter is betaed by the lovely N.a. Brun from fanfiction.net.

Emma promptly produced a list from her jacket pocket.

"I see that you came well prepared."

"You should know me by now. I never come unprepared for a heist."

"Yeah, right. Who taught you that?"

"Well, your techniques are stupid anyway. Why couldn't I whistle so you had the chance to run? Why must I hit the door which, by the way, was less conspicuous?"

"Really, Emma? Do you want to discuss about this now? Don't you have another pressing matter to attend to so you can release me?"

"Oh yeah, right." She unrolled the list, the bottom of the list hit the floor.

Neal's mouth was wide open. That list reminded Neal of the deal produced by his dad in the Enchanted Forest. "Gee, how many techniques did you put in that list? We're going to be here the whole week, aren't we? Did you get the scroll from my dad?"

"I'm not telling how many I have. Isn't that part of the fun? Not knowing? Yes, I got the scroll from your dad."

"Wow, you two get along really well. You must be the daughter he really wanted."

"Shut up, Neal! Don't let David hear you say that. As your father said, two people with a common enemy can accomplish a lot."

"Do you think it's fair to treat Tamara as your enemy?" Seeing Emma's miming the gagging gesture again, he quickly shut his mouth.

Emma promptly slapped his left cheek and right cheek once consecutively. The impact was so hard, he felt the stings for more than five minutes. He could practically see stars. Emma apparently also hurt her right hand as she shook it.

After the stars swam out of his vision, he finally said, "Emma, I was already quiet. Was that necessary?" Emma rolled her eyes. He continued, "Is your hand OK?"

"I'm OK now. Actually that's plan number one. I guess it's not working, And yes it was very necessary." True to her word, she crossed the first line of the list using a quill.

_For goodness sake, where did she get the quill from? Must be from his dad's shop._

"You bet it isn't, although I kinda deserve that after all I've put you through. If you want to hit me more to make you feel better, you're more than welcome to. But not the face. I need it for my work."

"You're incorrigible. What kind of work do you do that you need your face unharmed anyway?"

"Actually, I'm a ..."

"Actually, shut up Neal, I don't want to hear it. Now onto the second one."

"May I ask the logic behind the first one first? Not that magic usually follows logic."

Emma replied shyly, "Sure, it's cognitive recalibration."

"Emma, are you _kidding_ me? That's from The Avengers."

"Well, if it works for Hawkeye then I didn't see why it didn't work for you."

"Do you know that was from a movie, right? Did my father give you the idea? I can't imagine him watching a superhero movie." He shuddered at the thought of his father getting ideas from the super villains.

She crossed her arms defensively across her chest. "Well, how should I know? I'm the daughter of freaking fairy tale characters. Frankenstein, Mulan, and Lancelot are real. For all I care, Loki and Thor might be real too. This is my own idea. I've initiative too, you know."

Neal smirked. "Sure, Emma. By the way, isn't cognitive recalibration referring to hitting someone's head really hard? At least that was the movie version."

"Really, Neal? Do you want me to hit your head? I don't have a death wish as your father is downstairs. Besides, given your life choices, I don't think you can afford to lose more IQ points."

"Hey, there is nothing wrong with my intelligence." It was Emma's turn to smirk. He continued,  
"Except for living you in jail, I don't regret any of my life choices. Well, perhaps that and also stealing the watches in the first place. Listening to August, giving him the money, not coming here when the curse broke. Oh gosh, I'm an idiot. I hope Henry doesn't take after me."

"Don't worry, I think he takes after your father."

"Emma, that doesn't make me feel better!"

"I mean in term of intelligence. He's quite heroic and self-sacrificing like David. Resourceful and brave like Mary Margaret. He has more tact than me."

"Emma, everyone has more tact than you."

"Shut up, Mr. I-trust-Pinocchio-with-my-money. OK, now we can move on to plan number two."

"There is no we in this plan." He then noted with trepidation as Emma went to the bed to retrieve all his scarves. He nearly had a stroke seeing Emma carried them to the roaring fireplace. "EMMA? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DON'T BURN ALL MY SCARVES!"

"Gee, Neal, I don't think Dr. Whale in the hospital heard you, perhaps you should yell louder. Thanks for reminding me about all your scarves!" She eyed the scarf worn by him.

"NO, EMMA, NO!" He tried to move away from Emma but with his hands cuffed, he could only move the chair a couple of inches by dragging it back. Emma was onto him too quickly. He tried to wiggle so it was harder for Emma to take off his scarf but Emma managed to take it off quite easily. She walked away with a triumphant smirk, _which was attractive on any given day but not right now_ , and threw his last scarf into the fire.

He closed his eyes to avoid this atrocity. He thought he knew now how Gollum felt parting with his ring. He tried very hard not to cry. _They were only scarves but those were some of his possessions he truly cherished. As usual, his curse stroke so he lost the things he loved again._

Emma looked at him closely. Finally she said, "Gee, Neal, I didn't know you treat your scarves like your firstborn child." Neal opened his eyes and stared at her incredulously, still speechless.

"OK, bad analogy. I hope you love Henry more than your scarves." He nodded. "Don't you know you can still buy more scarves? We just think that it's best to remove all traces of magic on you." He winced and nodded again.

"You know, I thought it was going to be fun to gag you. However, I'm really not used to you being quiet like this." Neal answered her by closing his eyes again, looking away from the fireplace.

Emma didn't expect him to be so hurt over his scarves. She recalled that his apartment was pretty sparse so he didn't have much in term of possession. He seemed to really like his scarves. Now she felt bad burning all of them. She assured him, "You know what, after all of this is done, I'm going to buy you a scarf. I'll even ask Henry to buy you one as a present. I'm sure your dad can buy you the whole shop if he wants to."

"I don't want anything from him! Thanks for the offers though, I appreciate it."

Well, of course, he hadn't forgiven his father yet. Emma hated to admit it but she didn't like the quiet resigned Neal, she enjoyed their banters. Of course, she'd never mention any of this to him, she'd had enough of his insufferable smirks.

"At least Henry knows what to give you for Father's Day." Neal smiled weakly. She continued, "How about if I inform the whole Storybrooke to give you a scarf as a present?"

"Thanks again for the offer, Emma! However, I don't think people welcome me here in Storybrooke. I'm after all the son of the guy who cursed them out of their homes. The reason the curse was created."

"You helped us fighting Cora and protecting this town. That should count for something."

"Well, she wouldn't be a witch if my dad didn't teach her in the first place."

"She made her own choice, Neal. Same as Regina. That's the difference between you and them. They showed no remorse."

"I still sent you to jail, didn't I? I haven't apologized to you. How could I? When I couldn't forgive myself yet."

Emma was shocked to hear that. This was the first time he ever mentioned of his guilt. In Manhattan, he only spewed about the fate crap. She was so not ready for this talk right now.

It was typical of Neal to choose this moment to be depressed when she needed him to be the strongest. She often wondered why the man with so much humor could also had so much sadness in him. Now she started to see where it originated from. There was one way she thought would get him out of depression, more challenges.

"You can start making up to me by collaborating. Now _we_ , hey, don't stare at me like that, OK, _I_ will continue to item number three. The dream-catcher!"

Emma didn't really expect his reaction. His whole body shook and he said, "Emma, please, don't burn the dream-catcher. I'll do anything you ask for. You can burn all my clothes and other possessions, but please don't burn the dream-catcher. You can keep it if you think it affects me."

"Wow, someone really loves his dream-catcher," she thought, "I'm going to have fun with this. But perhaps not too cruel after the scarves."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Disclaimer**  
>  I don't own Once Upon a Time and The Avengers.
> 
> Notes:
> 
> -I hope I'm not too cruel and they're not too OOC. Somehow, I always end up writing some angst when I try to write humorous stories for these two. Neal will be back to his normal self next chapter, at least that's what I hope for, since this story keeps growing longer. I've given up hope to make this story as only a two-shot or even three-shot.
> 
> -Please let me know what you think.


	3. Who is the evillest of them all? The IRS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter in which the IRS is the evillest of them all and Charming's biggest fear is paperwork.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer:** If I owned OUAT, Rumpelstiltskin would try to reconnect with Bae, and we wouldn't have the Neal's getting shot and falling through the portal nonsense. Instead, he'll suffer this version of nonsense.
> 
> This's unbetaed, I'll upload the beta-ed version when it's ready.

"Really, Neal? Anything?"

 

Neal didn't like the mischief gleam in her eyes. That usually spelled trouble. He managed to control his shaking. His experience in Neverland wasn't for nothing. "OK, anything within reason."

 

"Are you saying that I'm not reasonable?"

 

"Do you have to ask me that?"

 

"Fair enough. I thought you didn't want me to burn your dreamcatcher, so you'll do anything."

 

"I'm not selling my soul for the dreamcatcher though."

 

"Gee, Neal, who do you think I'm going to go to make a deal to sell your soul? I don't think your father wants yours anyway."

 

"Emma, you confuse my dad with the Devil. Can we get on this? What do you want so you won't burn the dreamcatcher?"

 

Emma put her thumb and forefinger on her chin, which scarily resembled her mom's, and made a show of put her thought into this. Finally, she said, "OK, three requests."

 

"Here I thought you'd put a hundred. OK, as long as it doesn't harm anyone, I'll agree to it."

 

"First, you need to tell Henry the whole truth about you abandoning me and sending me to jail. He acts like you're a saint while I'm the parent who lies."

 

"Emma, I didn't know August was going to send you to jail. He just asked me to leave you to be the Savior. If I were to know, I wouldn't have left you."

 

"Would've, should've, but didn't. You still listened to Pinocchio."

 

"I didn't know he was Pinocchio."

 

"Doesn't matter, Neal. I want you to explain it to Henry.”

 

“I actually have told him the whole truth last week. He's surprisingly very forgiving. I've also asked him not to give you a hard time." Emma said.

 

"Yes, Henry is great like that." Neal nodded his agreement. "That's why he started to talk to me civilly last week. Thanks, I guess."

 

"No need to thank me, it's all my fault in the first place. I should've told him the first time we met but that day you found me was quite a shock for me with one bombshell after another."

 

"Yes, I guess four of us had different bombs to deal with that day."

 

"Well, some of us also got literally tackled to the ground. Where did you learn to run and tackle like that anyway? WWE? Rugby Union?"

 

"No thanks to you, I went to become a bailbonds person. I got a lot of trainings chasing scums of earth like you."

 

"Emma..., I know I can't say sorry enough to make it up to you. I'll do what I can to gain your trust again. So, what are your next requests?"

 

"Just a reminder that my requests are for me _not_ to burn your dreamcatcher. You still owe me more than that to make it up to me."

 

"OK. I still want to know what your two other requests are."

 

"Second, I want you to do my taxes for me."

 

"Emma, are you serious?"

 

"Unfortunately, I am. I really hate the IRS."

 

"Join the club. I think they're hated universally in this land. Now, we know who's more evil than my dad, Regina, Hook, or Cora. It's the freaking IRS. Sorry, I can't help you with this. I can't even do my own taxes. That's why I need to hire a tax accountant. I thought you didn't need to pay taxes in Storybrooke anyway."

 

"Well, I don't know how this curse works, ask your dad. Apparently, one thing that connects Storybrooke to the real world is the tax system. If the IRS can get their hands on something, they will, even if it's for a town not existing on the map or for people not from this world. I'd like to see the faces of the IRS agents when they found out that they've taxed Rumpelstiltskin, The Evil Queen, Snow White, Red Riding Hood, and Prince Charming."

 

Emma shuddered after the last sentence and Neal joined her. After they recovered, Neal asked, "Can you change your second request to something else then? I'd really like to help you out."

 

"How about doing my paperwork for one month?"

 

At her request, Neal couldn't contain his laughter. This time his body shook again.

 

"Would you like to share with the class about what's so funny?"

 

"Oh, the fact that we're a couple of ex-thieves. One of us is the sheriff and the other one is going to help her. What will the town people say?"

 

"Neal, it's not that funny."

 

"It's very funny for me. Come on, did you lose your sense of humor?"

 

"As usual, you always like to laugh even at the smallest thing. I think I need to educate you about what's funny and what's not."

 

Emma didn't know that ever since his crappy childhood and his stint in Neverland, Neal always tried to find happiness even in the smallest place. Being able to laugh was a blessing. It meant you hadn't lost yourself and there was still hope in your life. Well, she didn't know any of that. However, she admitted that Neal's smile was infectious.

 

Before she knew it, she also laughed. She said, "OK, it's a little bit funny. We're in a town where the diner's waitress is a werewolf, the nuns are fairies, the doctor is the freaking Frankenstein, and the ex- mayor is The Evil Queen. I guess they'll accept us a couple of thieves to work in the sheriff office."

 

"I know that you'll see it my way. But really, Emma, one month? Are you trying to kill me with boredom?"

 

"Hey, there's nothing boring with sheriff paperwork."

 

"Really, Emma? That's why you've been delaying your paperwork because it's so exciting. I'm surprised your nose didn't grow longer." Seeing Emma's murderous look, he quickly added, "Oops, sorry, bad joke. It was just a figure of speech then I realized where we came from. Why didn't you ask your dad to do it anyway?"

 

"Can you imagine Prince Charming doing the paperwork?" Neal tried to imagine it but he failed spectacularly. He just shook his head to clear the mental image. She continued, "He's worse than me. Whenever I mention about paperwork, he twitches and suddenly finds the urge to check on Mary Margaret or Henry. In fact, whenever I need some privacy, I'll just take some random paper, look at him, then he'll automatically flee."

 

"In that case, I don't need to worry about your dad sending me murderous looks when I'm in your office then."

 

"Is that the reason you're hesitant to do the paperwork?"

 

"No, Emma, I'm hesitant because the actual work itself, PAPERWORK. It never sounds exciting anywhere, any land. Your dad sending me the murderous look constantly while I work won't help either."

 

"Are you going to back up on our deal?"

 

"No, Emma. I'll do it. Gee, relax, people will think you _are_ Rumpelstiltskin's daughter with your obsession with deals."

 

She mumbled, "I really hate paperwork."

 

"Which one do you hate more? Paperwork or taxes?"

 

"That's a no brainer, Neal. Of course, I hate taxes more."

 

"I find it a relief that you assign your first and second hated task to me. You must really hate me."

 

"I don't hate you."

 

"Thanks, Emma, that's what I always want to hear since we met in Manhattan."

 

"Damn, you tricked me again, Mr. Son-of-Rumplestilskin. I really hate you."

 

"Come on, Em." Emma really hated the fact that she didn't resent him calling her by her nickname. Something was really wrong with her. He smirked and said, "Please make up your mind whether you hate me or not."

 

"Shut up, Neal or I'll start to use the gag so you can only nod or shake your head regarding our deal. OK, the third request, you'll agree to be my backup whenever I need you."

 

"Whenever? Like forever? I hate to break it to you but I do have a life of my own. As much I'd like to answer at your every beck and call, I do have a job and a future wife."

 

"Sure, Neal, your so-called future wife. Did you forget the reason you were stuck here in the first place? How about three times then?"

 

So you want me to be your backup with whatever you come up with for three times whenever you need it. Sure, they're three dates." He smiled.

 

"Remember you have a fiancée, Neal. No, they're not dates."

 

"Yes, Emma, the fiancée that you're so determined to deem evil. OK, not dates then. Why do you need me for backup anyway? Don't you have your dad for that?"

 

"Well, my sheriff duty sometime involves me doing something not-so-legal. I don't want to involve my dad doing that. What will he think of me?"

 

"Emma, I'm sure your sheriff duty shouldn't involve anything illegal _at all_. That's the whole point of being an officer of the law. I think your dad will be proud of you no matter what."

 

Emma smiled at his last statement and asked, "Do you really think so? Do you think he approves of me?"

 

"Emma, I think he adores you and he's always proud of you. That's parental love, an unconditional love. You should know it by now from having Henry."

 

Emma smiled at the thought. "Thank, Neal. Oh no, you derailed me again. I don't know why we keep getting distracted. Do you agree to be my backup for three times whenever I asked you? And these are _not_ dates."

 

"Sure, Emma, I'll be your non-dates backup for three times. Why do you need me anyway? You've managed it quite well for the last twelve years without me."

 

"Well, we did work well together."

 

"Indeed, we did. We were the Bonnie and Clyde, except now come to think of it, they were stupid choices. We don't want to get killed. Besides, we aren't the outlaw anymore but _the law_."

 

"Really, Neal? We?"

 

"OK, you _are_ the law. I'm just the lowly sidekick."

 

"I'm glad you admitted my superiority."

 

"I hate to rain on your parade but don't you have a spell or a curse to break?"

 

"Oh, yes, sure. Hold on for a second!" She took the dreamcatcher and passed it through the top of his head. The dreamcatcher started to have golden glow.

 

Neal was shocked to see that. He hated magic but at the same he was fascinated to see Emma doing it. He realized something and asked, "You didn't plan to burn the dreamcatcher at all, did you? You tricked me. I owed you favors for my own naïvety."

 

Emma smirked. "Yes, you did, Neal. You're surprisingly gullible for a thief."

 

"An ex-thief. By the way, I'm proud of you, grasshopper. You've surpassed your master."

 

"Shut up and quit philosophizing! I have a memory to see."

 

Now Neal was worried what Emma tried to see and whether she'd like it. On the plus side, if she killed him, he didn't need to break up with Tamara in case she was right. He hated break up speech.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Sorry about the pointlessness of this chapter. Emma and Neal talked nonstop for five pages in this chapter so the scenes with potions, bowls of soup, Mr. Gold, and shirtless Neal need to be put in the next chapter or two. That's the result of not enough sleep. The next chapter will be more serious although I can't guarantee about the crack as it's a parody.
> 
> -I don't really hate the IRS as I'm not even from the States. It's just for the sake of parody. I apologize for the fans of the IRS.
> 
> -As usual, please tell me what you think.


	4. Fairy Dust, Potions, and Spell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fairy dust and potions were involved and Rumplestilskin witnessed a scene he was never prepared even as the Dark One.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Language and innuendos.
> 
> Disclaimer: Anything you recognize is certainly not mine.

The dreamcatcher started to glow in Emma's hands and to his amazement, it acted sort of like a TV screen. It showed him talking to August, followed by him bumping to Tamara causing her to spill coffee all over herself and him lending her his green scarf.

"So Emma wanted to double check my story of how we met. Rest in peace, green scarf!" he thought mournfully.

"Well, you can see that my story was true. She didn't enchant me."

Emma's thought was on another track. "I'm so glad that fearing your father trumped the prospect of seeing me, Neal," Emma said with a tinge of sadness.

"Emma, it's true that I was worried that my father would find me. However, I wanted you to break the curse so you could meet your parents as you always wanted. If I was being selfish, we could just always be together in Tallahassee, ignoring the curse. I was worried that you wouldn't forgive me."

"Damn right, I haven't. Now back to your chance meeting, don't you see it was a setup? You hadn't even walked, you just turned and she bumped into you straight away. I bet if you didn't turn, she would walk right into your back. The street was very empty so she could just pass by your side."

"I guess she was in hurry so she didn't see where she was going. It's New York, everybody is always in hurry."

"Always giving people's the benefit of the doubt, Neal. I tell you that'll be the death of you."

"Well, you didn't complain about my trait when you stole the yellow bug. I could've suspected you were dangerous but I didn't."

Emma smiled at the memory and said, "I guess your trait has been with you for so long it's your second nature."

Remembering his deal with his papa, he replied, "You have no idea! So what's next?"

She actually needed to check the list. "Oh, I don't think you're going to like it." She took a pouch from the table.

"Really? What a surprise? I've been enjoying myself all day here. What's it?"

"Fairy dust. I think it helps restoring memory or something."

"Or something. Are you even sure?"

"No." She then blew the dust into his face before he got the chance to say something.

He promptly sneezed. He think must have sneezed more than thirty times to get the dust out of his respiration system.

"Well?" Emma asked.

"Well, you've triggered my allergy, thanks a lot."

"Since you didn't turn to some other objects I think that's a plus. Now, the fun part, you get to drink."

Neal asked suspiciously, "What do I need to drink?"

"Oh, just the water from the well which August said could retrieve something that was lost."

"And yet you accused me of believing in August."

"No, this one isn't a lie. I came back from the Enchanted Forest climbing out of that well. I think the well is some sort of a portal and the water is similar to the water in Lake Nostos."

"The lake of which water can retrieve what was lost. Did you say you climbed out of the well? How could you even do that?"

"So you do remember your fairytale despite your old age." He cringed. She continued, "I don't really want to discuss or even think how we managed to climb out of a well. I guess the answer was magic. That was actually quite creepy because it reminded me of Sadako from the Ring."

Neal shuddered at the mental image. "No, definitely not something to think about. There's a problem with your solution. My hands are cuffed so how can I drink?"

"Nice try. I'll hold the bottle for you."

"Is the water even sanitized? Do I need to drink the whole bottle?"

"Don't be such a baby. You were born in the place where the word sanitation didn't even exist so you shouldn't complain. I know you must be thirsty."

"Yeah, but Em, there're more than twenty bottles of potions. I couldn't possibly finish drinking all of them."

Emma smiled enigmatically which caused him to worry more. "Don't worry, they're not for drinking. Are you ready?"

She then squatted by his left side and held the bottle in her right hand. She wasn't sure where to put her left hand but she tried to put it as far from Neal as possible. She couldn't guarantee what he and more importantly she would react to that. _Oh crap, I needed to touch him a lot soon. That was written by Gold too, that old tricky bastard. Ah well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it._

Thankfully he cooperated well and drank the water only in five large gulps. He said, "You were right. I was quite thirsty."

"Well, anything? Do you feel any different?"

"No, Emma. Besides quenching my thirst, the water didn't do anything. What do you expect? I didn't lose anything so there was nothing to retrieve."

"Damn it, back to square one. I think you're not going to like the next 20 steps or so." She said that with a gleam in her eyes.

"Really? I thought you would enjoy it from your gleam. Who made all those potions anyway?"

"Well, I didn't say I wouldn't enjoy it. _I_ said _you_ wouldn't. You father has been really busy. Regina may have helped as well."

"WHAT?!"

"I think you've lost your ability to tell the difference between a joke and reality. Of course not, do you think you dad will ever trust her especially about your well being? Now, I need to search through all your pockets first."

"Is that the part you are going to enjoy but not me? Groping me?"

"Shut up, Neal! The searching is not part of the spell. I just don't want to damage any documents or important materials."

Neal looked alarmed. "Hell, no! You're going to dump the contents of all those twenty plus bottles on my head, don't you?"

"Good deduction, Sherlock. Not necessarily on your head, I think on your face or hand or chest is quite OK," she added it with a smirk.

"I think you've watched too much Supernatural. I'm not possessed by any demon. I thought you wanted to break the spell not to exorcise."

"Oh, do shut up." She then searched through to the pockets of his shirt, jacket and pants. Neal was ticklish in certain parts, she remembered now. In one of the pants' pockets, she took out his wallet and phone. She was surprised to find her swan pendant without the chain dropped from his wallet when she held the wallet the wrong way.

She stammered, "You … you .. kept this. Why?"

Emma thought he looked wistful for a millisecond but it was gone so quickly it must've been her wishful thinking. He shrugged and said, "Eh, I stole it for you and we had good memories associated with the keychain. I just thought I'd keep it for old time's sake if you didn't want it anymore."

"I didn't know that you were that sentimental. Why did you keep the dreamcatcher again?"

"As I said, to keep away nightmares. If you want to go down this route, why did you keep the yellow bug?"

"I grow accustomed to it. Let's stop talking! Since you have no more important stuff with you, now we can start."

With that statement, she splashed some green liquid on his face.

"What the hell was that?"

Emma read the label at the bottle. "Well, your father wrote it was a potion for good health."

"What has it got to do with breaking any spell? Did you even know what you were going to dump on me? Do you even trust him?"

Emma shrugged. "I think good health translates to curse free or something. No, I didn't. Well, I don't trust him as far as I could throw him. However, I think you and Belle are the exception."

"Don't bet on it! His potion may make me fourteen again or lose my memory or both."

"Don't you think I know that? In my deal, I've asked him specifically not to alter you in anyway except to break the spell. Well, it can also make you healthier or stronger than I won't complain. Sick Neal is whiny Neal!"

"Hey, does it mean you were fully satisfied with me so no alteration was required?" He had the audacity to wink at her after his statement.

"You really are incorrigible!"

He acted nonchalantly and said, "Get your mind out of the gutter! I was referring to my ability to haul heavy items for you on the run. You know, all these feminine stuffs I couldn't name. Some sort of shampoo, more shampoo, some more shampoo, moisturizer, moisturizer for the face, moisturizer for the feet, stuffs like that. They were not light."

Emma promptly threw some sort of orange liquid followed by something purple to his face.

"Do I even want to know what those liquids are?"

"Maybe not. Anyway, you let me know if you feel any different about Tamara which means the potion may work. Don't lie as I can test whether the spell has been broken!"

Neal started to shiver. "Well, I feel wetter than before if that helps. It's starting to get very cold with all the liquids on my clothes," he said. He looked down morosely and continued, "And pants. You said that I was whiny when I got sick, I think I'm going to be whiny very soon."

"Don't be such a baby! I dumped the health potion first so you should be fine."

She then dumped more potions on his head or face or wherever she could reach as she seemed to get bored after a while. Most of them smelled suspiciously like food and drink such as mustard, vinegar, beer, tomato sauce, coconut milk?! _How could coconut milk even cure any curse? It's not even native in the Enchanted Forest._ It got weirder toward the end so he just stopped guessing and let Emma have her fun. He just shivered more as he got really cold.

After the twenty-seven bottles were done and his answer was still no, Emma looked a bit peeved. She crossed twenty-seven lines from the list and scowled. "I think both of us won't enjoy the next bit."

His teeth chattered so he asked, "Could you at least get me some dry clothes first before continuing? I don't like cold, that's why I had all the scarves."

"How could I do that without uncuffing you? Oh I know, I just learned this spell to dry clothes from your father. Let me try!"

Neal's eyes widened with worry. "No Emma, no, I don't want to be your guinea pig." Well, too late, he saw some red light flashed from her finger tips then when the light dissipated he wasn't even that surprised that he was shirtless and pantless. _That was his luck as usual anyway._ At least he still had his boxers.

"What the hell? I thought you were going to dry them. Did you even get the right spell?"

"Well, I might get them mixed up. Why does your father have the spell for removing clothes anyway?"

"I don't want to know. Enough traumas for the day. Could you at least get some clothes for me?"

"I'm afraid I can't. You may lose some limbs or worse your boxers if I try more."

"I'm glad you get your priorities straight. You can uncuff me and let me wear some clothes like a normal person."

"And risk your escape? Nah, at least you don't wear wet clothes _any longer_."

"I have NO CLOTHES instead. I love your logic sometime. Could you at least turn up the heat as I still feel cold?"

"OK, OK, such a baby." After turning up the heater, she consulted the list. "Darn, I remembered it correctly and I still don't like it."

"What's the next step?" he asked with a resigned sigh.

She produced a ring with blue stone from her pocket. "I need to use this enchanted ring to find the possibly entry for the spell, this ring will turn purple when it does. I can then use this same ring to suck out the curse."

"Does it involve you using any spell? Because I really don't want a repeat of _that_."

"The good news is no, the ring will do all the work."

"The bad news?"

"I need to search the point of entry from the top of your head to your toes. I said we were not going to like it."

He paled. "Groping me again? Please remember my ticklish spots."

"I do remember. Let's start!" She then started to touch the scalp of his head and moved all around his head. The stone still remained blue. She then moved to the back of his head.

"I guess it really is going to take all day!"

"Do shut up! Remember the gag!"

* * *

Rumpelstiltskin was in the kitchen. He hardly used it because he usually ordered his meals at Granny's. Well, Belle sometime cooked but to put it mildly her cooking knowledge was limited. Besides, Belle was hardly here, she was either being angry at him, or losing her memory, or regaining a cursed memory. He shuddered at the last one.

_OK, one problem at a time._

Now it was the time to cook for Bae his favorite pumpkin soup. In his pre Dark One days, they were so poor they could hardly afforded any meals so he usually just boiled some soup and threw whatever was available and cheapest to the pot. Surprisingly, Bae didn't mind. He seemed to be the happiest at that time. Once he became the Dark One, they could afford all the luxuries but Bae didn't seem to enjoy it at all. He still often could bribe him with a bowl of pumpkin soup.

Now it was different, he could afford all the luxuries legally, well, _mostly_ legally. He could put the best ingredients into the soup. Nothing was too expensive for his boy. He could actually order the soup elsewhere but he missed cooking for Bae.

He didn't dare to use magic to cook as Bae would somehow know. Well, the cooking itself didn't involve any magic. The chopping and obtaining ingredients were different matters but Bae didn't need to know that. _Chef's secret and all_.

He wondered what those two kids were up to. He heard plenty of yelling mostly from Bae then it was eerily quiet now. He thought, "I guess they've already broken the curse using the most powerful method." Even Bae who pretended to be ignorant about anything magical should know that. He bet they were kissing and cuddling. He expected them to be grateful when he walked up there. He looked forward to reconnect with Bae after helping him regaining his true love.

When the soup was ready, he walked upstairs with a tray laden with three bowls of soup. Even after living for more than 300 years and most of those times as the Dark One with the seer power, he had never dreamed of witnessing the scene in front of him. Only with centuries of experience controlling his emotion, he didn't drop his tray. Miss Swan was squatting with her hands hovering above Stilskin junior's family jewels. Before anything else happened, he yelled, "Miss Swan, why are you groping my son? Bae, why are you shirtless and pantless?"

Emma quickly stood up and her face went beetroot. She stammered, "It … it ...isn't what you think!"

Neal felt terribly embarrassed. Thankfully, his boxers were still intact. He guessed this was the feeling of a teenager being caught with his pants down by his parents. In his case, this was quite literal. How he wished something like this might happen when he was a teenager which meant that he actually had a father who cared. When it happened now, that was simply unfair. This particular scenario wasn't even his fault. Now, he just wanted the ground to open up and swallowed him. He then thought of the damn portal and realized _that_ had actually happened to him once. It was official that his life sucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -I had the last three lines in mind before watching "Second Star to the Right," I guess Neal will never use the idiom "wishing the ground to open up and swallow him" ever in his lifetime now.
> 
> -Sorry again for the characters being OOC.
> 
> -Next: Neal in a suit.
> 
> -The next chapter should be the last one unless it gets really long or I get some more crazy ideas. Rumpelstiltskin has had enough with these two blockheads.
> 
> -Please tell me what you think! If you find some mistakes, please let me know as well.


	5. Who tricked who?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter in which Rumpelstiltskin got more involved and the spell was finally broken, but not before some dramas, twists and turns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Some swearing.

"Would you care to explain what you have done to my son, Miss Swan? It seems like you're having fun," Gold said with his patented smirk.

Emma felt like punching him in the face but thought Neal wouldn't appreciate it. Besides, she didn't want to be turned into an inanimate object or worse, an animal.

"I tried to find the entry point for the curse. I didn't make it all up, look, it's listed at number 69, that was your handwriting."

Rumpelstiltskin forgot that he wrote that. He was about to comment on her ordering of the list but Bae interrupted, "I really hate to break up this spell-breaking convention. However, there is a guy here tied up to a chair, dripping wet from head to toes, without a shirt and pants. Perhaps somebody should do something about it."

"OK, Bae." Rumpelstiltskin flicked his fingers and in an instant, Neal found himself dry from head to toes, dressed in a suit, which he later checked was Dolce & Gabanna, complete with a tie, even his shoes were changed, and the most important of all, his hands were free.

"Why can't you free me using a key like normal people do? Did you just magic the clothes and shoes?"

"Bae, in case you forget, I'm not normal, that's why you left in the first place. Don't worry, you're not paying the price."

Neal was exasperated. "That's not what I meant. I don't want to anyone else to pay the price."

"Too late for that. Before you decided to throw the clothes and shoes away, I didn't magic them. I actually purchased them as a gift for you. I have some more suits for you in the closet. You should have dressed better."

"It's a bit too late for parenting me now, isn't it? How do you even know my size?" A realization hit him. "Henry?"

Rumpelstiltskin simply nodded.

Neal raised his hands in defeat. "I really need to go to the bathroom now. I'll be right back."

He went out of the room and turned to the left. Rumpelstiltskin said, 'Bathroom is on the right."

"Yes, right." He promptly turned 180 degree and walked to the bathroom.

He stayed in the bathroom a lot longer than necessary to calm himself down. What Emma said couldn't be true. Tamara knew nothing about magic. He felt guilty for not having told Tamara about his origin. He thought, "I'll tell her when this is over."

He doubted when it would be over since Emma had quite an extensive list. It actually hurt him that his family actually conspired against him. _Why couldn't they be happy for him?_ OK, he wasn't being fair to Emma. He had hurt her too much. The least he could do was to face up whatever they planned for him even talking to his father so Emma could fulfil her deal.

On the other hand, he had run away and hidden for so long it had become his second nature. He had to in order to survive Neverland. He could just run away again, never had to deal with his father. His father didn't need him now, he had Belle, well, after her memory was restored. Emma would understand. She would be better off when he wasn't around. He felt guilty bringing Tamara here with the betrayed look Emma giving him. But then there was Henry. Would Henry understand? Would Henry be better off without him in his life?

He was terribly confused. What should he do to make Tamara, Emma, Henry and even his father happy? He sat heavily besides the bathtub holding his head with both hands, thinking.

* * *

_Meanwhile, in the bedroom..._

Awkwardness hung heavily in the room. Emma didn't know what to say to Gold. She was not the one for small talk. Neal usually did that during their thieving days.

Rumpelstiltskin was also annoyed. It shouldn't take this long to break the spell. He really shouldn't meddle but these two blockheads were really too taxing.

He broke the silence. "Miss Swan, why did you move the item number one on the list to the last one? I'm sure if you try it first, the spell will be broken much sooner."

"Do you mean the true love's kiss? Are you kidding me? I don't think true love's kiss even works here."

Rumpelstiltskin simply smirked. "How about your kiss to Henry?"

It was Emma's turn to get irritated. Those annoying smirks must be heredity. "OK, it only works for breaking sleeping curse and only from a parent to a child."

"Are you an expert in magic now? You haven't even tried so how can you be sure?"

Emma acted as if she didn't hear him and continued, "I also don't believe Neal is my true love. He left me because Pinocchio told him to. He didn't even look for me when the curse was broken if that was his intention for leaving me in the first place."

"I'm sure he has explained his reasons. Has he apologized to you? If he hasn't, I could make him do it."

Emma was certain Gold wouldn't harm Neal. However, she didn't want to know what trick he had up his sleeve to make Neal apologize. She quickly said, "Actually, he had. He had also explained his reasons."

"So why didn't you try the method?" Gold said again with that smirk.

"Gold, I don't know why you keep having this perverse desire to keep matchmaking me with your son. As I have told you numerous times, I don't love Neal. He doesn't love me since he has a fiancée."

"Miss Swan, do you think I want to be related to that thick headed father of yours? I just want what's best for my son. Somehow the twisted destiny says what is best for him is you."

"Don't you dare insult David! He's a much better parent than you."

The words stung Gold so they were back to awkward silence.

Emma felt slightly guilty making Gold feel bad although he deserved it. Five minutes later, she broke the silence. "Don't you think Neal has taken an awfully long time in the bathroom? How if he runs away as he tends to do when you're involved?"

_OK, smooth, Emma, smooth, you want to make the guy feel better but you mentioned about his son's desire to run away from him._

Gold wasn't offended. He actually chuckled and said, "Don't worry about that. If he decides to step out of this house before talking to me, he will end up back in this room."

Emma thought that was rather clever, she should learn such a spell in case Henry sneaked out again without her knowledge. "In that case, how could I know whether he chooses to return because of his own will or because of your spell?"

"Miss Swan, if he chooses to escape, he'll end up in this room in the way you like - tied up to the chair he just vacated. I'm more traditional so I use ropes instead of handcuffs."

Emma's mouth hung open for a while. When she managed to find words, she said, "Neal is going to hate you more if you do that. I thought you wanted to talk to him, not to detain him."

"I think that boat has sailed, Miss Swan. We may as well finish our goals. Besides, it's time for tough love. Having said that, I do hope he comes back willingly."

Emma also hoped so. She found that there was something she forgot to say to Gold. She racked her brain and finally she remembered. "Gold, for the record, I don't enjoy Neal being tied up to a chair."

Gold had the audacity to smirk and replied, "Just keep telling yourself that, eventually you will believe it."

Fortunately, Neal walked into the room at that particular time. He said, "What did I miss? Emma, what do you need to believe in? I hope it's not some magical non sense."

Emma quickly says, "Oh, it's nothing." She then noticed that Neal indeed looked great in a suit. She never saw him in one. Perhaps she should encourage him to wear a suit more often. Not seeing his scarf was an added bonus unless he managed to wear a scarf with his suit. She shuddered at the thought.

Gold suddenly asked, "Miss Swan, do you happen to know why my pantry is empty? I was looking for mustard, coconut milk, vinegar, and tomato sauce. I saw them in the cupboards yesterday."

"Perhaps Belle took them away. Neal, do you want to sit down again?" Emma replied quickly hoping Gold would change the subject.

Neal sat back down and said, "Shall we continue?"

However, Gold hadn't finished. He insisted, "I don't think Lacey is interested in the content of my pantry."

Neal suddenly realized the implication. "Emma, weren't those the liquids you dumped on me? I knew it. They weren't enchanted. You just dumped those on me because they're hard to clean. I can still smell the vinegar on my hair. My hair is still sticky because of those different liquids."

"Well, it will reduce the fluff."

Neal looked genuinely hurt, "I thought you liked my fluffy hair. Do you know how hard it's to maintain the fluffiness especially without any shampoo in the Enchanted Forest? How could you trick me?"

"Well, for a start, you left me pregnant in a jail. I know your reasons now but that doesn't mean I'm not entitled to my revenge. You're lucky it's only me. If I were Regina, you would end up worse."

Neal mulled it over and agreed, "I guess that's fair enough. No permanent harm done."

Gold cleared his throat. Emma forgot that he was still there since she still got distracted by the sight of Neal in a suit. She should be careful not to threaten Neal in front of his father.

Gold said, "Miss Swan, quit playing game! I guess you can start with the true love's kiss now."

Neal was about to object to the kiss but Emma was quicker than him. She said, "Why do you give me this list if you insist on the kiss?"

"Miss Swan, that list is used for people who don't have their true loves."

"Is that the solution for all the magical problems in the Enchanted Forest? Just kiss it away? No wonder you haven't invented any effective weapons to fight ogres."

"Excuse me, but I'm entitled to have a say here. I don't want any kiss as I already have a fiancée."

Both Gold and Emma still stared at each other and they asked Neal to shut up at the same time.

Neal said, "OK, then, don't mind me. I'm just the kidnapee."

Gold insisted, "Just try it first, Miss Swan. Believe me, it will work. After that, I give you permission to finish the rest of the list."

"OK, deal. I really want to try the fairy wand."

Neal paled at hearing Emma's enthusiasm as it meant more bad news for him. "I still don't want any kiss or any wand. What kind of fiancé I'm if I kiss another woman behind her back?"

Rumpelstiltskin sighed loudly and said, "You're a bowl of soup." He affected an annoyed look until he walked out the door. When he was out of sight, he smirked and thought, "That'll teach them. I really hope they kiss now so I can reconcile quicker with Bae."

Emma and Neal looked at each other.

"What was that? Did my father just call me a bowl of soup? Has he lost his mind?"

"I don't think he is sane in the first place."

Neal glared at her. "Hey, that's my father you're talking about."

Emma was surprised to see his reaction. She never understood Neal's relation with his father. He seemed to dislike his father but at the same time he was always quick to defend him.

She quickly said, "So how about that kiss he insisted? Just one kiss, it means nothing. You can go back to Tamara once this is over."

"Well, if that is the only way, I guess I have to agree." He stood up and hesitated. "I don't know what to do."

Emma rolled her eyes. "Gee, Neal, this is no rocket science. I sometime wonder how you managed to make Henry in the first place."

"No, Em, I know how to kiss. However, I never do that for spell breaking."

"For a start, you need to come closer." Neal walked closer. "Now hold my waist." He followed. "OK, now we kiss like the old time." Neal hesitated so Emma just pulled his vinegar-and-beer-scented hair toward her and crashed her lips against his. Despite initial awkwardness, Neal certainly hadn't forgotten how to kiss so they kissed passionately like old time.

Suddenly a wave of rainbow washed over them. _I guess he is really my true love then._

She looked at Neal's direction and was surprised to see him fell to his knees clutching his head in pain. Her heart froze as she remembered Graham. She whispered, "Neal? What happened?"

"I don't know. I felt so relieved after the kiss then suddenly I had flashes of Tamara's images in red. Those images seemed to be false memories as I don't remember them ever happened now. Every flash creates a new pain." Kneeling was too much for him now so he just fell to the floor clutching his head.

Emma yelled, "Gold, I need you here now. It's an emergency."

She didn't know what to do so she just rubbed his back to calm him. After what felt like ages which actually was less than one minute, Gold appeared. He paled looking at Neal's condition.

A purple light emanated from his fingers engulfing Neal and when the light dissipated, Neal seemed to be asleep but still twitching.

"What did you do?"

"I just took the edge of his pain away. I also put him to sleep so he didn't suffer too much. What happened?"

"Should we move him to bed first?"

Somehow both of them managed to drag unconscious Neal to the bed. He still seemed to twitch and mumbled in his sleep. Unfortunately this was not an unfamiliar sight to Emma as Neal often had nightmares when they slept in the bug.

"So what happened?" Gold asked impatiently.

Emma explained what Neal told him.

Gold looked pensive. "That woman is cunning. She used the love spell from South East Asia. The spell is introduced bit by bit usually from food or drink. That's why you couldn't detect the point of entry before as the trace was too little to detect. It is like a drug so after the first taste, the victim gets addicted to the spell and wants to get more without realizing it." He growled, "If I ever got my hand on Tamara, ..."

Emma didn't want to imagine what Gold would do to Tamara. She interrupted, "Well, join the queue. Anyway, what will happen to Neal now?"

"Each flash of image means a set of false memories. I guess the purpose of the spell it to create addiction and also to implant false memory. His body is trying to expel the false memory now hence the red images. However, since it's like a drug, the body still tries to hold on to the spell while expelling it at the same time hence the pain."

"Is there any way to speed up the process?" She looked worriedly at Neal.

"Unfortunately no, the spells are still being expelled as we speak. They need to get out of his system naturally. After that, he may suffer from some confusion but will be free entirely as long as he doesn't get another food or drink again from her."

Emma said grimly, "I'll make sure of that. I'm also worried that Neal in his foolishness will rush to confront Tamara after he realizes he was tricked. That woman is ruthless so I don't know what she will do to him."

"Miss Swan, in that case, we need to find a way to prevent that. In the mean time, we just see how he progresses."

After what feels like agonizing hours, which in fact was only around half an hour, Neal finally moaned and opened his eyes.

He was surprised to find himself on a bed in a suit with both Emma and his father looking down on him. That was quite disconcerting. He felt that he had the worst hangover ever and the problem was he didn't even remember that he drank. _Isn't that the worse hangover if you don't remember it? Where is he? What happened?_

Suddenly it all came back to him, the yellow bug, the blue smoke, being tied to a chair, the kiss. _Oh, the kiss_. He couldn't forget that even if he tried. _I guess I was really under Tamara's spell then as he doesn't really feel anything for Tamara now._

Despite his headache, he smirked and said, "So we kissed, huh?"

Rumpelstiltskin took that as a cue to leave so he smiled, walked away, and said, "Good luck, Miss Swan."

"Yeah, Neal, we did. I know you will focus on that rather than the fact that you were under Tamara's spell."

"Well, you know me well. You always do."

"Flattery gets you nowhere Neal, except in bed with terrible headaches."

Neal as usual still wouldn't let it go. "So true love kiss actually works. I had my doubts. Does it mean we are true loves?"

"Not necessarily. I kissed Graham and he got his memory back. I touched Jefferson's hat and jumped start his magic hat. I touched Regina and she got her magic back. I think it's just my touch."

"Wait, who is Graham? Why did you kiss him? Why did you touch everyone in Storybrooke?"

Emma liked his jealous tone. Neal liked to pretend he had his emotion under control but he could never hide it from her. "Well, Graham was the Huntsman."

"Was?"

"He is dead." Emma still felt a pang of sadness at the memory of clutching his lifeless body. That was the last time she kissed a man. Well, the second last. That certainly didn't improve her self-esteem if the men she kissed kept dropping in front of her.

"I'm sorry to hear that. What happened?" Neal said that and he meant it.

"It's a long story. How is your head?"

"I've been better. I felt like getting hit by a truck repeatedly." He managed to sit down at the edge of the bed. When he tried to stand, he staggered and fell back to the bed. "I guess that answers your question. So who is Jefferson?"

"He is the Mad Hatter."

"Really? Like from Alice in Wonderland? Is he from the Enchanted Forest?"

"Are you really up to this kind of discussion with your condition now?"

"I guess not. So why did you touch a lot of people?"

"It's a really long story and no, I don't touch people randomly because I like it."

"OK, you need to tell me all these stories one day. Oh crap, I need to break up with Tamara and I don't know what to say."

Emma panicked. She said, "Well, she tricked you after all, so you don't need to be so decent in breaking up with her. Anyway, I'll help you. Don't forget that you need to help me doing paperwork for one month. I will find a way during that time."

Neal looked relieved which in turn made Emma feel relieved as she didn't know how to deal with Tamara yet.

Neal suddenly had an epiphany. He said, "Emma, it couldn't be because of your touch. It must be your true love's kiss."

"What made you so sure?"

"Well, you tackled me in Manhattan. OK, that's a bad example as there was no magic there. You touched me a lot today, remember, with and without clothes." Emma blushed at that. "If it was because of your touch, the spell would have been broken as soon as you touched me. That means it was the kiss," he finished triumphantly.

_Damn Neal and his logic._

"Well, even if we are true loves so what?" Emma asked. "It wouldn't solve our problems."

"I know that, Em. That's why I had my doubt about true love's kiss. Life was so simple in the Enchanted Forest, just kiss. I know this world is more complex than that. By any chance, does your kiss also cure headaches?" Neal gave his annoying smirk again.

Emma thought Neal would do just fine if he could joke now. She knew he must be hurting inside to be betrayed by Tamara but she would play along. "Seriously? That was your new pickup line now? Kissing for a hangover cure?"

"Well, it's worth a try. What do you get to lose? The kiss will mean nothing if you don't put any meaning to it."

"It's never nothing for me, Neal and you know that."

"I know, Em, but it feels good, doesn't it? Why don't we try one more time?"

"OK, if it will shut you up."

Emma then sat at the edge of the bed. At first, they didn't dare to make any move. Suddenly, they both held on each other and kissed even more passionately to make up for the lost time. After a while, they broke the kiss to get some air. In an instant, Neal found his right hand cuffed to the bed post.

He looked disbelievingly at Emma. "Come on, not again! What do you do that for? How many pairs of handcuffs do you carry anyway?"

"Well, that should teach you a lesson not to expect a kiss from me every time you have a problem. How is your head by the way?"

"Still hurting like a bitch. What do you mean by every time?"

_Damn Neal and his ability to find meaning in any words she said_.

"Well, since you're going to help me doing paperwork for one month and you also owe me three back up works I guess we'll see a lot of each other for a while."

"Is that still on for tomorrow?" Neal asked.

Emma took pity on him. "Well, if you still have headaches, you could do it the day after. See you soon, Neal! Good luck talking to your father!"

"Emma Swan, please release me this instant!"

Emma just smirked and walked away.

After Emma left, it was Neal's turn to smile. He had put on a good show. His left hand produced a set of keys he pick pocketed from Emma when they kissed the second time.

He just took the keys for old time's sake. To see whether he still got it. And of course to annoy Emma as he secretly enjoyed seeing Emma being flustered especially by him. Call it his childish side.

Now he was glad he took the keys. It was not necessarily the right key but he could work on it and they're still better than paperclips.

He heard his father asked, "Bae, is that OK for me to come in now?"

"Papa, just five more minutes."

"OK."

He would be terribly embarrassed if he let his Papa released him from the cuffs again. _What kind of thief will that make him?_

Well, he was glad he made the right choice to come back to the room instead of running away. He knew he couldn't make everyone happy. He thought if Emma couldn't break the spell, she would at least be satisfied that she tried. Now, Emma was right all along and he was the fool. He should be more hurt by Tamara's betrayal. Well, it stung but somehow having Emma by his side reduced the pain.

Now, he just needed to face his father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Sorry for not updating for a while, I got sick so update for all stories got delayed.
> 
> -The South East Asian love spell does exist, but of course I took the artistic licenses so don't expect any accurate depiction.
> 
> -If you want to continue with more of Neal's misadventure, you can read the "I Dream of Soap-Opera-Free Lifestyle" where he got stuck with the Phillip-Mulan-Aurora triangle. "All My Faults" is more serious as it deals with his PTSD after getting shot but not falling through the portal. But knowing me, they will be humor in all stories. I really can't write a full 100% angst story.

**Author's Note:**

> -I did warn you it was crack, right? I just want Emma to have her revenge on Neal but in her own way so this is how she does that. She does want to break the spell which indeed happened in this fic, she didn't make it up. That is why she is OOC here.
> 
> -Next chapter will be the numerous spell breaking attempts which I hope will be humorous. Any suggestion on the method?


End file.
